Dear Pre-Pubescent 30 Year Old Men
I fully understand the desire to express one’s self anyway you’d like as it pertains to your physical appearance. It’s a freedom granted to all Americans and something I thank God for every morning as I slide these slender legs into my favorite pair of boot-cut chinos. But this PSA isn’t about me and my affinity for medium weight khakis, it’s about the “hipster.” I want to first say that the tight clothes and the overall Linus-from-Peanuts grooming habits is perfectly ok with me, I accept & respect the decision. BUT when we start to drill down to their facial hair presentation, a line must be drawn.
There are two options when it comes to facial hair; you can grow it or you can’t grow it. That’s it, that’s all. It is when those inbetweeners try to add to their filth cache by letting it run ramped that I take offense. What they’re doing is an insult to both the bearded and the bare faced. Let’s take Mitch here for example:
Dirtface Von Ihateyou
It looks like somebody threaded 7 pubes into his exposed check while he slept on a pillow of armpit hair clippings in hopes that his night tears would affix them to the other cheek. Mitch, if you can hear me, I’m going to offer you three very valuable words of advice: Bic, Gillette & Schick. Just walk into a Duane Reade and start crying, someone will figure out what you’re looking for. If that doesn’t work maybe try not sucking for a few days, see how that pans out.
Hi, We’re the Old Russian Broads that Eat @Kmart on 34th St.
I recently found myself in the Kmart on 34th and 7th ave quite early in the morning looking for some housewares. The details of my early Thursday morning visit are far less interesting than what I found lurking in the shadows of the mid-town department store that faithful morning. Please, take a minute to observe this photo in all its glory:
Long live the Ukraine.
Now let’s examine each item in a clockwise fashion starting with….
What we have here is the sign identifying the specific region of the Furniture section we were in. If you can’t quite make it out I’ll give you a hint: It’s the Casual Furniture section.
This is a sign identifying the price of the table they fancied most. That price would be $179.
This would be the brown bag that our ORB (Old Russian Broad) brought her 3-course breakfast in. Egg sandwich, OJ & rocks.
This is a sign identifying the price of the table that was a bit of their price range. That price would be $279.
This little gem right here is the purse of our ORB #1. You’ll notice that she chose to keep it away from her “work station.”
These broads may be grimey but you cannot tell me they aren’t 100% focused and committed to the cause. Which is unnecessarily eating breakfast IN THE GOD DAMN CASUAL FURNITURE SECTION OF KMART. Are these two really that hard-up for somewhere to eat & read that they default to Kmart? Judging by how they carried themselves this was one their first sample furniture display meal. When you get right down to it, the lesson here is simple: I should stop sleeping with old women I meet in the casual furniture sections of sub-par department stores.
Coming soon part II of this story: “My Sunday Afternoon at Sears.”
Upright Citizens Brigade Improv 201: Class #1 Recap
In an effort to wrap my lanky comedic arms around another genre, I’ve decided to take a stab at graduating from the UCB School of Improvisation (401 being the final level). How did I jump right into the 201 level you ask? Ha, funny story actually because I didn’t. I took 101 last April and decide to get fisted for 11 months by “the man” before realizing how uncomfortable that was in comparison to learning improvisational comedy, hence my return.
ANYWAYS, let’s get into how it went and it went sucky. You see, being a (aspiring) stand-up comedian makes for an awkward transition into improv because improv is about the TEAM and not yourself. Why that’s especially difficult for me is because I am a raging, attention whore of a human being so “sharing” the funny moment does not come naturally. BUT, I do have the capacity for change and change I will. Sharing is caring and caring will always get you (at the very least) a sympathy HJ.
Next update coming the night of Monday 3/22.
2010: THE RISE OF THE LLAMA
FINALLY, Other Losers.
As I spent another day scribing my comedic dreams at the compost heap of the starving artists known as a coffee shop, I stumbled across this amazing discovery….two people more pathetic than I.
Comic Books: The Abstinence Manual of the Adult Nerd
I’m going to list what I find wrong with this picture (in no particular order) and I want to know if you agree, disagree or perhaps have found a lamentable tidbit I may have overlooked:
1. The kids sized medium waffle shirt that is typically worn as a layer during winter activities and not as a “Hey look at my Emo thermal fashion statement piece of thrift store crap.”
2. The fact that Waffle Walt over here has the facial expression of Moby after a 3-hour cry session.
3. The Ebony & Ivory iPhone Anti-Social-A-Thon.
4. Tribal bicep tattoo on a poorly attempted flexed bicep.
5. That they came to a coffee shop to read individual comic books.
6. Which are each OVER 100 PAGES LONG.
7. They’re late for a LAN party and not sure how to softly break the news to their Dungeon Master.
This Just In: Americans are F#$%in Weird
Earlier today I started to type “properly” in Google because, well to be honest, I wasn’t sure if it had two “L’s” or one so BACK THE FUCK OFF. Anywaysssss, to my surprise these are the options that popped up as possible completions to my expected search:
Pube shavin and flag burning, the typical redneck Saturday.
Now I’m not positive but I believe the auto-generated search options are a result of what has either been most frequently or recently searched. Regardless, I have a feeling there are a handful of teenage boys sitting in ERs regretting that they opted for learning how to properly cite websites.
Stay Away From This “Thing”
I came across this poor man’s Bart Simpson outside of Macys last week. He seemed harmless at first as he taking pictures with kids/people, waving and generally being a quasi-likable idiot UNTIL he reached into his bag of torment. Now don’t ask me how he managed to fashion a glass dildo into a bb gun but he did and he used it and he was an amazing shot.
The fact that he only targeted the eldery was puzzling to me.
Tip: “How to be a Great Blogger”
I came across this little motivational tidbit via Twitter: “Choose to live an extraordinary life day in and day out. Then describe it word by word.”
Well fellow blogger, ‘extraordinary’ is a very relative term now isn’t it? I can’t deny that spending Saturday night drinking champagne from the armpit of Bar Rafaeli while she makes plans to massage your feet for the better part of Sunday is in fact an extraordinary weekend to most men I know. But watching a 36 hour marathon of Steel Magnolias as I mold a life-sized replica of Sally Field out of cookie dough while crying is also an extraordinary weekend…to me. The point of all this is that I like crying.
That's a good cookie.
Dyslexia Friday: At look this holeass urban!!
Hungover so, some reason for but still I eat would trash this from holeass-like garbage can.
Served meal a best on a corner street.
Nothing Beats a Street Bike
I was taking a leisurely stroll thru the East Village this past weekend and came across this amazing street bike. I’ve never been a fan per se, but how could I not stop and admire a classic? The fact that this was just SITTING on the sidewalk unguarded had me floored, but on top of that IT HAD A “FOR SALE” SIGN ON IT!! Are.You.Kidding.Me? I didn’t even have to ask about the price of this “diamond in the rough” because I knew right off the bat that it was a complete and utter piece of crap. I’m pretty sure Jack Lalanne died on this bike, because If you look closely at the seat you can still see the shit stains from his postmortem bowl movement.
Weight belt and arthritis required to ride this ride.
Jack Lalanne, may he rest in the push-up position.
“Interesting”
Is one of those words that sounds unassuming but when you get right down to it, it isn’t nice at all. No matter what context it’s used in, the intent is never truly complimentary. For instance, I received this piece of feedback from an acquaintance on this blog the other day:
“Interesting blog you have by the way! Intense, to be sure, and very very funny. Topical, and things one thinks but doesn’t often say (or say enough). 
. I liked it!”
I’m going to now breakdown each sentence as interpreted by me, the author of punchingllamas.com:
First Sentence: “Interesting blog you have by the way!”
Translation: “In case you weren’t aware, everything you’ve written is literary trash.”
Second Sentence: “Intense, to be sure, and very very funny.”
Translation: “You’re a sick fuck and I almost threw up in my mouth.”
Third Sentence: “Topical, and things one thinks but doesn’t often say (or say enough).”
Translation: “Why in God’s name are you even talking about this kind of shit?!”
Fourth Sentence: “:).”
Translation: “I’m old and still believe emoticons make backhanded compliments seem more complimentary than backhanded.”
Fifth Sentence: “I liked it!”
Translation: “We’ll never be speaking again.”
The lesson here is simple, only trust the opinion of someone who is equally or more funny than you are. You may also take every opinion and tear it a new asshole. Whatever floats your boat.
YOU BETTER PRAY TO THE GOD OF SKINNY PUNKS
